-Bears.
Recently on a quiet news day, a report came out that a lady, somewhere out in a remote area of Quebec, had been mauled by a bear while her husband had been severely injured while trying to save her.
Naturally channels like LCN have jumped on this and subsequent to that, Le Journal De Montreal made it's cover page about bears in our backyards and how dangerous they were, they also made it very clear that we were all doomed to be mauled by bears, in our backyards, by Friday.
-Crooked investment advisers.
In the last few years a witch hunt has literally gone down, where everyone who has ever invested, and lost, even a single penny, has succesfully sued and won, against their financial adviser.
So now, after a month-long search for this guy above, LCN and The Journal de Montreal have been running long winded articles about how financial advisers were going to get us all killed by taking our moneys, and forcing us to live on the street and starve to death, by Friday.
-Street gangs
Possibly the only real threat in terms of percentage in this list, street gangs first came to LCN and Le Journal De Montreal's attention about two years ago when a white police woman shot and killed a latino teenager in a ghettofied area of Montreal North.
So now, yearly on the anniversary of that shooting, both LCN and the Journal de Montreal make it a point to remind us to stay home that night as if we go out, we might get shot and killed by police women, unless of course we're white in which case they will only give us a ticket for driving while talking on our cell phones, of course this usually occurs on Friday.
-Cell phones
Speaking of cell phones, the leading cause (not) of car accidents in Montreal apparently is cell phones while driving, never mind the kids acting like douchebags on the back seat of cars, or the parents looking behind them on the seats rather than at the road ahead, never mind the pityful state of the roads, the deficient signals, inapt drivers, elders at the wheel and teenage wannabe hip-hoppers in those impossibly low Honda Civics and Volkswagon Golfs.
I'm not posting a photo of a cell phone because frankly if you've never seen one, you probably aren't reading this on the Interwebs.
In either case, both LCN and Le Journal de Montreal have issued several warnings about cell phones, how if they don't kill us by this Friday by having a cell phone driver hit us all, they will certainly kill us within the next 25-50 years by giving us brain cancer.
-Falling bricks
Almost three months ago, a really unlucky woman was sitting on a restaurant terrace, on seats that apparently SHE requested, enjoying lunch with her husband on their wedding anniversary I think, when a 500kg slab of granite fell on her, having dislodged itself from the 18th floor of the facade at the building they were at.
It also severed some of her husband's fingers in the process.
The city closed down the whole street for almost three months while investigations were run to make sure this could not happen again. Naturally LCN and Le Journal De Montreal issued articles where they both announced that it would be adviseable not to walk within a 50 foot radius of high rise buildings in Montreal for otherwise we would be crushed to death, by Friday.
-Various epidemics
From the HINI flu to SARS en passant by Tuberculosis, Syphilis and the good old runs, LCN and The Journal of Montreal (there) have been busting our chops all summer with contradicting articles on whether or not we would all die on Friday unless we had been inoculated by a supposed vaccine which apparently is composed primarily of spermicide.
So now we're all running around with our sleeves over our hands, not touching anything and carrying disinfectant and antibiotics everywhere we go, this in no way will contribute to actually building a superbug which would be resistant to disinfectants, vaccines and antibiotics.
No really. Most of us have something called an immune system that normally should be able to kick those microbes complexive asses, and for those of us who don't, you know who you are and indeed, you should take precautions but for Christ's sake, leave every one else alone.
-Russian submarines
Yep, on a slow news day all newschannels and papers picked up the news that Russian subs were maneuvering off the coast of Nova Scotia, possible preparing a strike.
A strike against what? The Canadian army? What would they need submarines for in that case? Seriously, if the Russians wanted to invade Canada they could just walk in with some of their (seriously) hot women
and quite honestly if they provide us with that caliber of women, I think we should let them have the damn country, maybe they could do something about the road systems and our overall morale.
-Supercolliders
Apparently a failure in CERN's Hadron Collider this last spring is the only thing that saved humanity and indeed the earth itself for you see, this thing apparently creates BLACK FUCKING HOLES and I don't mean the kind you can find in Looney Tunes, the real, huge, solar system eating kind.
They are due to switch it back on this Friday...
